I wish someone would smack some common sense into me.  While you're at it please knock the insecurities out of me.  I pretend I am completely comfortable in my own skin but when it comes down to it everyone is made up of insecurities.  Right? 

When did I develop all these trust issues?  This past summer may have done more damage to me than I thought.  When did I start clinging onto these irrational fears?  Maybe they're not so irrational. 

I feel like a big, fat turd. 

I feel myself getting spiritually weaker too.  I pray and pray but I can't tell if these prayers are sincere anymore.  I wish I could just let go of all the resentment and other bad feelings I have. 

Boom.

Recently it's been really hard to keep my mind straight about certain things.  I want to believe the best in people but it's getting harder and harder.  I don't usually get taken advantage of.  I know how to stand up for myself.  There's no such thing as being too nice or too available when it comes to friendship.  At least that's what I believe.  But I can't help but shake this nasty feeling I've been getting.  Maybe I'm not so great at picking friends.  I feel like I'm getting dicked over and over. 

JOY that's tatted on my ankle along with a compass.  Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last.  I have always lived my life that way and never doubted myself or my beliefs.  So what now?  I find that I have to remind myself on a daily basis now of what I believe in and that's not good.

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And then sometimes I get pleasantly surprised by a kind gesture.  I guess I just need to really think about who my real friends are.  And then really appreciate my good friends.  Recently I've met some pretty cool guys although they like to shit on me sometimes I can't help but really like them.  I find that I already really care about them and I hope they feel the same way too and this isn't me getting screwed over again. 

I want someone who will:
give me all of him, not all of his time
appreciate me but isn't afraid to poke fun at me
accept my friends/family/religion even if he doesn't understand
-big plus if he is willing to keep an open mind about church
not try to buy my love, but little things will be appreciated
not let his ego hold him back
-let me pay once in awhile dude
-and LET ME DRIVE
do crazy, stupid things with me
not run away at the sight of my morning face
-plusplusplus if they stand my morning breath
not push me to change, but a nudge is okay
want to change not just for me but for us

Teeeeeheeeeeeeee. Every now and then I feel compelled to blog about ...absolutely nothing.  I am procrastinating ugh.  Yesterday was supposed to be my "day off" from school work since I worked pretty hard for the past week.  But I forgot I had training so technically there was no relaxation.  So maybe I'll take today off but I'll probably end up regretting it when I am forced to pull many many all nighters. 

So lately I've been thinking about boys a lot.  Horrible and childish I know.  And talk about an inconvenient time.  I'm a lot more mature when it comes to break ups and such now.  Experience does wonders!  I don't stress myself over it or cyber stalk their lives.  But sometimes for that one second (it's a hell of a second too) you can't help but feel a little sorrow as your thoughts rush to him.  This usually happens when you're having tons of fun. Boo.  But all in all ... whatever.  Not a biggie.

I also think I am attracted to jerks, forget koreans, the connective link to all my guys is the jerk factor.  I can't decide if this is worst than being attracted to koreans.  I believe a couple needs to fight to grow, but bickering over little things is a no no.  Most of all I hate when someone is upset and when confronted about it they deny deny deny!  How can a relationship (platonic or not) grow if there's no communication?  I don't appreciate this immature way of approaching a relationship.  So why do I deal with it?  BECAUSE I SUCK.  okay I don't know what's wrong with me.  I'm blogging like a spaz.  Maybe it's because I slept too much.

Once you are in Christ, the Law is the greatest guide for your life, but until you have Christian righteousness, all the law can do is to show you how sinful and comdemned you are.  But if we first receive Christian righteousness, then we can use the law, not for our salvation, but for His honor and glory, and to lovingly show our gratitude. Martin Luther

Got this quote from the Discipleship hw.  It really spoke to me maybe I will go in depth with that next post.  Speaking of Discipleship, I haven't done the written part of my hw yet darnnn.  I really wish these classes didn't start till AFTER finals.  I feel I can get a lot from Discipleship and from the first class I was hooked.  But with finals around the corner it's hard to prioritize.  etcetc.